Medic 83

As this is my 83rd post, it seemed appropraite to discuss a former aspect of myself: CMU EMS Medic 83.

In many ways, Medic 83 was a throwback to my life in high school; surrounded by people who took the situtation far less seriously than I did, and who deemed me unfit for social contact but found me useful because I did the job, especially parts of it they didn't want to do.

In high school, it bothered me, but I didn't know that anything else was possible. In college, I knew that other situtations were possible.

It all came apart when I was charged with an offense I didn't commit. I proved that I hadn't done what I was charged with, whereupon the head of the organization (another student) informed me that my innocence of the specific charge was irrelevant, and that I was going to be punished anyway. This from a guy who was carrying around illegal medications in his jump bag.

For the most part, I've laid Medic 83 to rest. Part of him lived on for a time in R/WV EMSA Medic 452, but that, too, is a thing of the past.

I've been permanently changed by the things I learned, saw, and did while in EMS. For the most part, I think the changes were for the better. It has, however, made me... hardened, perhaps, to death. That hardening can be useful, but I wonder if I am quite as human as I might otherwise have been.

I'll always be haunted by a line from the movie "Backdraft." A guy is talking about how he always wanted to be a fireman. The girl he's talking to comments that he was. He responds: "I guess I should have said I wanted to be a good one."

I was an average medic at the end. I was never a good one.

The question is, is an average paramedic better than a good first responder? That's a question I need to answer - if they are, I have a duty to join the SCA Chirurgeonate. I swore an oath, and nothing since has invalidated it. But if an average medic is not better, I have no right to take up that responsibility.

I have made my mistakes, luckily none of them fatal as far as I know. And I do have one real, solid, save to my credit. One life on the scoreboard without question, and a number of assists.