Is this all there is?

Does everyone feel like this? Does anyone feel like this?

Why am I stuck being the basically nice, safe guy? Its always been that way. I'm the one you tell all the details of your life, the vital moments that you remember, that mean everything. But I'm never there for the moments themselves. I HATE IT. Its all I have. Without that, I've got nothing, and I'm slowly loosing that anyway. I was a loner in grade school, a loser in high school, had some good moments in college to go along with the bad ones, but now? I've got a job, an apartment, and I feel like I'm going no where. I'm not anybody interesting. I'm fifth business. The guy in the background. Oh, and you. Would it be so wrong to provoke something other than indifference for once? Would it be the end of the world to have someone vaguely interesting think I was hot? Could someone even know I was safe, but wish I wasn't?

I know the highs come with lows. I know for every triumph there has to be a tragedy. I can deal with that. I want that. Let me have the triumphs, I'll take the tragedies. All I have is mediocrity. Niceness. Slow poison.

Most men lead lives of quiet desparation. Well, now I'm screaming. It won't last, of course, but in this moment I have to let it out somehow, and of course I'm doing it the safe way. What other way do I have?

I never let it out. People depend on me. They want me to be boring. To come to work and do the daily grind. To go home and do the dishes.

Never in the inner circle. Never part of the cool crowd. Known to them, but I'm not the one they drop what they're doing to greet. I come back after two weeks gone and its "Hey, nice to see you again." Nice. OK, let's keep going. No big deal. Oh, SHE's here! Great to see you! How you been? Oh yeah? Great!

Is it just that the grass is always greener? Is all the adventure really gone from the world, and people just make it up?

Where's the person who thinks of me as their best friend? Where's the person who never got over me? Where's the life I changed? Really changed, not just a little. Who stood on the edge with my hand on the scales?

There's the people who died because of me, except everyone tells me it wasn't my fault. Maybe I cling to that so much because their lives I did change. The only power I have - the power to destroy? Is that better or worse than no power at all?

Why am I always sitting around waiting for someone else to answer my email? Why am I waiting for someone to log in to chat? Calling three times and getting three answering machines, two of whom will never call back. Is there any way out of this?

Its not like I've never tried. I've stood in the front of the room and fought for something different. I've tried to change the system. I've told people how I felt about them. I've given the warnings that the sky was falling. Result? Indifference. Voted down without passion. One or two supporters shrug and go off to fight another day. The person I bared my soul to tells me they knew, and walks away feeling like at least that's over with. Not once. Time after TIME after TIME. I've tried being the party guy, the active guy, the energetic guy, the you-name-it guy. And another day goes by. Sieze the day! But it slipped through my fingers like water. So live to fight another day.

I'm not sure how many other days I have left.