Fears

Prompted by a post on randomgirl's blog. This is part of the monthly write-away contest, viewable here: http://scribbit.blogspot.com/2007/10/octobers-write-away-contest.html

What do I fear? Many, many things.

I'll start off with an easy one. I have a mild/moderate case of arachnophobia. It isn't reasoned, nor is it something I can easily control.

I have all the usual "rational" fears, of course - generally easily controllable. Heights, fire, etc.

For several years I feared flying - I blame the Mech E professor who kept bringing in broken turbine blades and talking about how the factor of safety for commercial aircraft is close to one (!). Working in the industry has mitigated this slightly, though I still tend to grip the armrests on takeoff and landing - mostly because my brain is running through a long, long list of everything that could possibly go wrong. It is still nearly impossible for me to fall asleep on a plane; the best I can usually do is a trance.

I frequently approach social situations with some amount of fear. I think that's because I'm not very good in social situations, I know it, and I'm afraid of making myself look like an idiot, or a jerk, etc.

I fear losing my job, though based on my performance reviews I really have no grounds for that right now.

I think the thing I fear most of all is failing someone who needs me. Sometimes I've been there when people needed me; I've even got one clear "save" to my credit. Other times... I haven't been there. I've also got "losses" in my past. Luckily none of them are recent (or at least none I know about are), but they still haunt me. How many can I lose before it breaks me? If I lose more than I save, can my life possibly have any positive meaning? Another aspect that bothers me is the people who know me, and that I could help, but who don't ask for it, even when they need it. What if I lose one of them?

Wow, three posts today.